Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
only you would photoshop your dick
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Randomize
