Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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