There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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