I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
