she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
