i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold