the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...