Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
27 Hairstyles That Always Come With A Matching Personality
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE