Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Randomize
