My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
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Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
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she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
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That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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