I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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