he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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