Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
