id be glad to
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
