is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
