I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
