just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
