I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
