She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
