I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
