He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
