Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
