why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
