Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
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Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
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I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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