I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
