you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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