Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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