The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
