I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
