Can i not drive my cunt home
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
