Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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