So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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