I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
