Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
