just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
