I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
my liver is dry heaving
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
