My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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