i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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