I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
