He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
