I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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