She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
