Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
