I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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