so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
