I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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