You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
