Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
