If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
My liver just broke up with me...
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Sorry about my life...
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
