I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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