Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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