Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
you have to choose: penises or morals?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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