im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
