you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
