i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
