i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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