i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
of course. lets lasso hookers.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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