Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
